First: Misunderstood
Middle Initials: IDC
Last: Loved

Hi.
I’m not good at much.
But one thing I’m very VERY good at is letting go.
And I think I’m letting go of you.
I can’t seem to find any more reasons to uhhh hold on I guess.

I go hard. And if the results don’t seem to measure up. I go hard again.
And then I wait. And then if the results don’t seem to measure up. I go hard again.
And then I wait. And then if the results don’t seem to measure up. I go hard again.
And again. And again. And eventually. I realize and decide 1+0 does not = 2.
1+0=1 the first time. And again 1+0=1 the second time.
1+0=1 the third, fourth, fifth time around.
I can’t do 2+0.
And you won’t do 1+1.
So. I go home.

I don’t expect much I don’t.
I don’t ask for much I don’t.
I don’t need much I don’t.
And even still. This seems to be the end of it.

Maybe it is too much to expect.
Too much to ask.
Too much I need.

Then, surely, this is the end of it.

I went hard. And now I think it’s time to go home.

i CAN’T do this without you i CAN’T.

sometimes i literally can’t BREATHE without you.
i just.. i CAN’T. 

i mean.. i’m sitting here. healthy. full. warm. in a nice house. with both parents. chatting with friends. and a tomorrow to look forward to.
and i close my eyes and imagine life without all this. and i’m okay.
nothing really hurts. 
and then i imagine life without knowing you.
and i panic and i get scared and i lose myself and i’m drowning and theres no way to the top. theres nowhere to turn. nowhere to look.
and everything hurts.

i will trade my next breath for you. 
i will trade this heartbeat for you. 

if you asked. i would literally knife my heart out and hand it to you.
gladly. 

you can take anything and everything.
my comfort. my body. my limbs. my house. my dreams. my future.
you can take anyone and everyone.
my family. my friends. my church. my community. my lavs.

you could take it all.
and i’ll live. i will. 

but you. i can’t. i just. i can’t. 

God, i literally WILL NOT survive the next moment without you.

so i sing. and pray. and confess.

more than the air i breathe
more than the song i sing
more than the next heartbeat
more than anything

i need You more.

NO i haven’t sat down and meditated on the Word and prayed for five hours.
NO i haven’t been to morning prayer. not even once. 
NO i haven’t been generous or kind or good to my family.
and NO i am NOT rotting in guilt or regret.

YES i was in vegas last weekend. AND the weekend before. hohohoooo.
YES i have been wasting away watching back to back episodes of korean drama aka girl’s porn.
YES i LOOOOOOOOOOOVE to dance. club even. so i left half, maybe more, on the dance floor in vegas.
and YES i am still so madly in love with Jesus Christ.

i woke up this morning smiling and whispering the words “i love you God.” its craaaazy cause it could have been “blalahsllblaah” or “what time is it?” or “*BADWORD*!@#$!!” or “shut UP. it is NOT __o’ clock right now” like it normally is. Instead “i LOVE you God” just found its way out of my mouth. my mouth just opened and those words just walked right out. as if He was right next to me. as if Hes the one I fell asleep thinking about. as if He was the first person I wanted to see, know, hear, talk to. just be with. as if He IS the ONLY thing i see, know, hear, talk to, and am with. i didn’t think about those words. i didn’t meditate on those words. it just spilled out. who am i!? where did it come from?! i don’t know. i don’t know. it had nothing to do with me. i promise. haha. it just was, it just is.

its like when i drove home today from work blasting music (not just praise, but kpop, hip hop, and some more of them black music) lifting my hands. left hand out the window. knees driving. eyes half closed. smiling and thinking “this is what heaven must be like.” and then smiling some more. where did it come from?! who am i!? i don’t know. i don’t know. like i said. it just was, it just is.

i’m in love. i mean, i have ALL the symptoms.

i am so in love. 

i am so so so MADLY in love. 

i was ranting all this to suj. and i said

“i am only so madly in love with Him because i get a glimpse of His radical insane ridickulous love for me.”

where did this come from!? who am i!? hahaha.

that statement i said to suj.
that right there. is my life story. my testimony. my everything.
i really can’t help it.  

you guys.. i am so so so madly, insanely in love.

here i am at boba loca, my home.

i’ve got the laker game playing on the tv in front of me.

blasting pandora and sippin on hot black coffee through a straw. 

i have an essay to write.

pandora started playing hungry by joy williams.

and there are no words, statements, expressions, pictures, anything.

Jesus you’re all this heart is living for.
Jesus you’re all this heart is living for.
JESUS YOU’RE ALL THIS HEART IS LIVING FOR. 

the end.

i am an angry human being.

i am lashing out in ways i’ve restrained from doing so before.

before when i felt it was so wrong. when i thought your life sucked more than any of ours. before when i felt such things as regrets and guilt. 

now. i have no filter. no restraints. no holding back. nothing.

i WILL. hurt you.
you WILL be broken.
so broken. 

yes, i am bitter. not for me though. cause IF it was just me and you. it would be over. there wouldn’t be this. there would be nothing there. i would hold nothing against you. i wouldn’t want or hope for better. it would just be. and that for me would be okay. it would be more than okay. it would be perfect.

unfortunately, its not just me and you. 

so i am bitter. and i am not afraid. i do not fear hurting you. leaving you. seeing you rot. i do not fear you. let me say that again.

you can yell. you can throw. you can hit. you can leave. you can die. 
i do NOT fear you.
don’t think i’m like them.

be scared. very, scared. cause. its game on. you and me. we’re gonna duke it out. and you’ll know. you’ll see. 

you’re one lucky being, bro.

for Love. for Hope.
i WILL. face the reality of you.
and i WILL. fight you.

you can thank Him for that.

hope you’re ready. 
cause its game time.